On Bidets

Traveling internationally, one cannot help but encounter a bidet or two. A bidet is a basin in the bathroom dedicated to washing those nooks and crannies of the human genitalia. Water spurts out from a faucet similar to a sink and is supposed to hit exactly those soiled areas of the human body. What strikes me as odd is its abundance throughout the world, especially in Europe. I guess European genitalia must be more easily soiled than American genitalia. There are also various options for color choices. Unlike the plain white toilet, I have found bidets in red, white, and blue, which makes me even more puzzled why bidets are not more popular in America. Soon enough, newly wedded couples may purchase bidets in their wedding colors. Why is the bidet so important? I suppose there is nothing else that can so easily rinse the human genitalia with water as a bidet. Strange, I swear I heard rumors of all that a shower can do.

In addition to the standard uses of the bidet, people have found more creative uses.

Foot-washing: It disturbs me that someone is sitting on the toilet and using the bidet at the same time. I always thought that sitting on the toilet should always be enjoyed in the privacy of itself; some may argue about the company of a good book. The woman in the photograph must not be aware of the risk of falling into the toilet, either.


Baby-washing: I know the amniotic fluid is somewhat of an appalling substance to be soaked in for 9 months, but I am not sure bidet water is better.


Beer-cooling: Does anyone actually want to drink anything from a bidet? Other than lapping dogs, I mean.

Whatever creative use you choose, be sure to reserve the bidet for that particular use exclusively. You do not want to be threatened with new feces on the foot (especially if you already have a foot odor problem), weird fecal hookworms with names like Necator americanus (found in contaminated red, white, or blue bidets), or a divorce decree due to your foot odor or fecal hookworm problems. Well, just make sure the filing spouse get the nasty bidet in the settlement.