On Bidets

Traveling internationally, one cannot help but encounter a bidet or two. A bidet is a basin in the bathroom dedicated to washing those nooks and crannies of the human genitalia. Water spurts out from a faucet similar to a sink and is supposed to hit exactly those soiled areas of the human body. What strikes me as odd is its abundance throughout the world, especially in Europe. I guess European genitalia must be more easily soiled than American genitalia. There are also various options for color choices. Unlike the plain white toilet, I have found bidets in red, white, and blue, which makes me even more puzzled why bidets are not more popular in America. Soon enough, newly wedded couples may purchase bidets in their wedding colors. Why is the bidet so important? I suppose there is nothing else that can so easily rinse the human genitalia with water as a bidet. Strange, I swear I heard rumors of all that a shower can do.

In addition to the standard uses of the bidet, people have found more creative uses.

Foot-washing: It disturbs me that someone is sitting on the toilet and using the bidet at the same time. I always thought that sitting on the toilet should always be enjoyed in the privacy of itself; some may argue about the company of a good book. The woman in the photograph must not be aware of the risk of falling into the toilet, either.


Baby-washing: I know the amniotic fluid is somewhat of an appalling substance to be soaked in for 9 months, but I am not sure bidet water is better.


Beer-cooling: Does anyone actually want to drink anything from a bidet? Other than lapping dogs, I mean.

Whatever creative use you choose, be sure to reserve the bidet for that particular use exclusively. You do not want to be threatened with new feces on the foot (especially if you already have a foot odor problem), weird fecal hookworms with names like Necator americanus (found in contaminated red, white, or blue bidets), or a divorce decree due to your foot odor or fecal hookworm problems. Well, just make sure the filing spouse get the nasty bidet in the settlement.

On Swine Flu

How not to prevent the swine flu:

On Gallstones

I saw a patient with cholelithiasis (gallstones) whom I was referring to a surgeon to perform a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal). During my pre-surgery examination, the patient asked me, “Can I keep the gallstones? I want to make earrings out of them.” Aside from suppressing an intense urge to laugh at that moment, I told her in my most professional tone that gallstones are mostly made of cholesterol, which break easily and thus are not ideal for jewelry-making. They are also dark-colored and oddly shaped, and therefore not aesthetically pleasing.

Perhaps I should have pointed out her failure to realize that she would be making earrings out of her own body parts. Then again, I am sure she already knew that but does not care.

What’s next? Human teeth necklaces?

Oh man, the future is already here.

On (s)Tar Wars

I gave a presentation to fifth graders about smoking: how it is bad for you, how it makes your teeth yellow, how it makes your breath stink, how it makes you wrinkly, and how much it costs to maintain a smoking habit. (I skipped the long-term effects like emphysema, lung cancer, and death because they simply cannot grasp those ideas, and also, well, they cannot pronounce "emphysema".) To demonstrate the cost of a smoking habit, I asked them to calculate the money it takes to maintain the habit for a week, a month, a year, and fifty years. Using $4 for a pack of cigarettes and assuming one pack per day, smoking costs $28 per week, $112 per month, $1,456 per year, and $73,000 for fifty years. (I ignored the wise kid who informed me that my math should involve premium cigars at $23 a piece). I then asked the class what they would buy with those respective amounts of money. Most of the other presenters got answers like "comic books," "i-Dog," "Star Wars saber," and "Xbox 360 Pro with wireless controllers and wireless adapter and Halo III" from their fifth graders. My class said:

"I would invest it."

"I would put it in the stock market."

"I would save it in a bank and live off the interest."

"I would invest it in foreign currency."

After my presentation, I was made aware that my class consisted of children of financial advisers.

On Being White

So I think I am white.

I just finished reading Christian Lander’s book Stuff White People Like, and I am convinced that everything he describes for white people is about me.

“White people will wait up to 40 minutes for a good sandwich.”

Been there. Done that. Took a photo. Got the T-shirt.

“White people love Starbucks, although they will profess to hate how the chain is now a multinational corporation. This hatred is often sublimated by their relief at seeing one in an airport. The best place for white people to drink coffee is at a locally owned coffeeshop that offers many types of drinks, free Wi-Fi, and some sort of message board that is peppered with notices about rooms for rent and bands looking for bass players. White people are given extra points for buying Fair Trade coffee, because paying the extra $2 means they are making a difference while their peers are drinking liquid oppression.”

We were deeply upset when there was no Starbucks in France…even though there was (better) French-press coffee everywhere. When we landed at J.F.K. airport, the first thing we got was a cup of Starbucks coffee. The second thing was a really good sandwich that took 40 minutes to arrive.

“White people don’t just like Apple, they love Apple and need to it operate…Drive to a local coffee shop (Starbucks will do in a pinch) and set up your Apple for the world to see. Thankfully, the Apple logo on the back will light up! So even in a dark place, people can see how unique and creative you (and the five other people next to you doing the exact same thing) truly are!”

This one is not my fault. My "white" husband made me get a Mac.

“White men love Asian women so much that they will go to extremes like stating that Sandra Oh is sexy, teaching English in Asia, playing in a coed volleyball league, or attending institutions such as…UCLA (University of Caucasians Living Among Asians).”

Like white men, I definitely love Asian women. In fact, 75% of my closest friends are Asian women. They just understand me, you know? Not surprisingly, half of them went to UCLA or UC-Irvine (University of Chinese Immigrants).

“White people…believe all of the world’s problems can be solved through ‘awareness’ – meaning the process of making other people aware of problems, magically causing someone else, like the government, to fix it.”

Wait, now surely the pink Special K Red Berries cereal I bought for Breast Cancer Awareness Month means something. By purchasing that cereal, Kellog’s is making people more aware of breast cancer and making the world a better place. It must be true because it says so on the box.

“Every white person takes at least one trip to Europe between the ages of 17 and 29. During this time they are likely to wear a backpack…see some old churches, and ride a train.”

Did you not read my last blog entry? We just got back from looking at old buildings and spending hours traveling to Provence on a train.

“It is also a good idea to say that your favorite wine is from a small winery called [make up a name…] in [Australia, Argentina, France, California, or Chile] that is hard to find in whatever country you are in. White people will be impressed that they have not heard of this wine and will consider you to be a very smart person.”

Have you still not read my last blog entry? Our favorite muscat is one from Beaumes-de-Venise in France.

“Whole Foods stores have replaced churches and cathedrals as the most important and relevant buildings…[for] white people…Whole Foods is a profit-driven, publicly traded corporation that has wisely discovered that making white people feel good about buying stuff is outrageously profitable.”

I spend like $100 every time I walk in there. Instead of avoiding Whole Foods altogether, now I carry credit cards.

“White people believe they need a full cadre of appliances and gadgets in their kitchens…If you go into a white person’s kitchen you will find a waffle maker, a rice cooker, a steamer, a food processor, a panini press, and a blender. There will also be hand-powered devices like flour sifters, ravioli crimpers, pizza cutters, potato ricers, and a sushi mat.”

…and melon balllers. He missed that.

“White people like to vacation…and live in San Francisco…However, it is important to be aware of the fact that regions outside San Francisco feature many people who are not white, gay, or Asian. They are greatly appreciated during the census, but white people are generally very happy that they stay in places like Oakland and Richmond. This enables white people to feel good about living near people of diverse background without having to directly deal with troublesome issues like income gaps or failing schools.”

San Francisco has troublesome issues like income gaps, too. When I was living there, all my neighbors made 5 times the income I did. Um, I was forced to move out.

“”The white person’s obsession with expensive juice has helped launch a number of prominent orange juice companies as well as breakfast places offering up $6 glasses of ‘freshly-squeezed’ orange juice…There are some instances where the juice is simply that of a single fruit, but in those cases it must be a fruit that seems difficult to juice – pomegranate, for example.”

Oops, it really doesn’t help my case that I just bought pomegranate juice from Whole Foods. I’m going to wipe some pomegranate juice on my face so I feel less white.

“If you know a white person with a Wii, it’s never a good idea to buy them a game. Instead, you should try to get yourself invited over to play. They are desperate for the company.”

Yes, please please please come over to play Wii with us! Justin is playing Wii by himself right now. Poor thing.

“White people need to show off the books that they have read.”

I didn’t realize this when I started this entry, but this is exactly what I am doing right now.

I am so white.

On Provence and Provençal Gastronomy

I started liking French cuisine the first time I had garlic-butter escargot and chocolate mousse in high school French class. As my taste buds matured, I experimented with more advanced French cuisine e.g. coq au vin (rooster cooked in wine), Bûche de Noël (chocolate buttercream sponge cake), mille-feuilles (layers of puff pastry and pastry cream), etc. Eventually, I fell in love with specifically Provençal cuisine. Provençal menu items usually take hours to bake or stew, so the result is a heartier and more flavorful meal. While most people spend hours lining up to ascend the Eiffel Tower in anglophone Paris, I spent hours traveling to the less accessible, francophone Provence.

Gordes, my favorite town in Provence

Provence is so named because it was the first Roman province outside of Italy. Being a region of southeastern France, Provence has a sun-blessed climate that makes it ideal for olive growing. Like their Italian neighbors to the east, the people of Provence rely heavily on olive oil for sauces, marinades, and sautéing foods. Weekly farmers' markets sell fresh produce, fruits, and herbs, in addition to olive oil, to ensure the freshest dishes in the whole region. Apparently, frozen foods and T.V. dinners are not fashionable there...neither are Americans.

local farmers' market selling an large assortment of herbs and spices

My favorites, truffles and porcini mushrooms, are so...what's the word, sublime, when they are fresh that I was inspired to cook fresh porcini mushroom risotto with truffle oil the first week I returned to the States. It certainly does not help that fresh porcini mushrooms are $35/lb. at Whole Foods.

Because Provence borders the Mediterranean sea, fish and shellfish are eaten in abundance. In just a few days, we enjoyed sea bass, red mullet, monkfish, mussels, oysters, and scallops. The warm, dry Mediterranean climate forces the local wines to be grown under demanding conditions though, as the grapes ripen quickly. We, however, found one of the best muscats in a town named Beaumes-de-Venise famous for its sweet wine appellation.

Suzette, a small town in Provence surrounded by vineyards

grapes

Best of all, Justin arranged for us to stay at a bed-n-breakfast that served Provençal dinners. So instead of only being pampered with freshly-squeezed apple juice from the orchard next to our bedroom for breakfast, James, our chef, also prepared us dinners. What kind of bed-n-breakfast serves dinners?! I guess this one. James is the son of the couple who ran the bed-n-breakfast, and has been in the professional kitchen since 16 years old under the guidance of a two-star Michelin chef. He does not own a restaurant himself, but only cooks Michelin-rated food for his parents' bed-n-breakfast guests. Kind of an odd fellow, but hey, I am not going to complain about the 5-course dinner he cooked for us each evening comprising of soup, appetizer, entree, cheese, and dessert. He formulates the menu the morning of or the night before, depending on what is available at local farmers' markets, how his escargots are looking in his personal farm, and how much porcini mushrooms cost that day. One Saturday night, James cooked for us a 7-course dinner comprised of soup, appetizer, meat entree, fish entree, cheese, pre-dessert, and dessert. On Sunday night, Justin and I returned to our bed-n-breakfast after a day of visiting cute hilltop towns only to be disappointed by a lack of 7-course dinner waiting for us! Apparently, Sunday is James's day off. I suppose if God takes Sundays off, James is permitted one day out of the week, too.

James, our chef

James making fresh ravioli

And the best part of all? Retreating to our room upstairs after being baptized with food coma, as we were already home. ZZZzzzz...

On Health Advice

I just finished reading the popular book Skinny Bitch: Bun in the Oven.

Now before you come to your own conclusions and say to yourself "Why is Alicea reading a book about the B word?" or "Is Alicea pregnant?" or "Is Alicea worried about her figure?", let me preface by saying that I just like to read. I read everything. Really, I read everything from the Bible to the classics to contemporary fiction to biographies to foregin books to etc. The topics of my book selection vary from political opinions, shoe shopping, Christian men, Muslim women, Pakistani kids, food history, high-altitude mountaineering, Civil War, etc. to just about anything. Heck, I just finished a book about pseudohermaphrodites. I read everything.

What inspired me to read this particular book is that I frequently hear my patients complain about how difficult it is to be skinny after having a baby. Certainly, that cannot be universally true, as I have two friends, Megan and Jodie, whom I consider "hot mamas." After pushing out their babies, they both still look fabulous. When I met up with them recently with their babies, both of them looked fit and played with their babies in high heels. Kudos to them! I wondered how they were able to maintain their figures. Who are the U.S. women going to for advice about staying fit after a pregnancy? Apparently, the above book is it.

Although humorous, the book contained a lot of advice that made me raise my eyebrows. For example, they spent a whole chapter telling women they need to be vegans, and not just regular vegans, but organic vegans. They claim that "all" those pesticides are "so harmful". I guess they rather have vegetables rotted by bugs than to have a little pesticide during harvest. They also tell women to stop consuming dairy! They claim the calcium can be obtained from so many other sources. The fact that they want all women to stop eating beef is my biggest beef with them (sorry, pun unintended). After quoting from Gail Eisnitz's Slaughterhouse, they claim that the meat industry is inhumane. Maybe it is, but they obviously have never tasted a juicy, crispy steak from San Francisco's Boboquivari's.

The two authors, Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin, are best-selling authors from their first book Skinny Bitch that inspired the whole series. Barnouin is a former model, whose looks resemble a "hot mama," or she could just be having a good hair day at her photo shoot that day. She holds a Master of Science in "Holistic Nutrition." What is that, you ask? Apparently, the Holistic Nutrition Credentialing Board will give anyone a degree if any Joe Schmoe writes a letter stating that you have completed an externship with them. Oh, there's got to be more requirements than that, no? Okay, yes, you are also required to do some research, but internet searches count. Are you kidding me??? Visit the Holistic Nutrition Credentialing Board and see for yourself.

Freedman is a former agent for Ford models, and "has been studying nutrition for fifteen years." I noticed that nowhere does it say she obtained an actual degree from all her "studying". What does "been studying nutrition" mean? Did she just read books about nutrition on her own from time to time? Or perhaps she read nutrition magazine articles in between inducing emesis in her model clientele? If that's her credentials for writing a book on nutrition, then I should go and write a book on...Usher.

It annoys me that women in the U.S. today are looking to random people for advice about health. I might as well throw away my M.D. and start working on my book for Usher.